kaytee's blog

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Basically anyone in the world who knows me could tell you that I have absolutely zero artistic talent.  I've always wished I had any ounce of skill, but an eight grade career test informed me that I could keep dreaming...but it just wasn't in the cards for me. 

A few months ago I came up with an idea for a canvas painting.  Naturally, I doubted my ability and waited on it.  I bought the canvas, the scrapbook paper I wanted to attach, and mapped out in my head exactly what I wanted to do with it.

Today, finally, I decided to pick up the paint brush and do it.  With the help of my friend Lizzy (who provided the supplies) I made something completely different from what I had imagined. 

 

Painting!

Turns out, by the time I finished it, I had scrapped the original plan.  Once I had all the paint on the canvas, I decided I loved it too much to cover up.  My original intention of painting the canvas one solid color, and then covering it with a checkerboard scrapbook page went completely out the window.  While I may someday attempt my original plan, for now, I'm thrilled with it. 

My older brother was a design major.  His artwork is breathtaking and his talent just amazes me.  Until today, I truly thought the most I could handle was stick figures.  Granted, I'm aware this is no Picasso...and I'm sure most won't even be at all impressed with it.  But for me, it's the idea that I got over my fear of the disaster it could turn out to be....and actually made something that I can't wait to hang.

Oprah's closet cleaning tips

My tivo recorded Oprah for me yesterday, as it does sometimes.  I'll general read the info & see if it's worth watching or not, as I don't consider myself a diehard Oprah fan.

Yesterdays episode featured a segment on closet cleaning.  Oh my god it's like it was written for me! 

Oprah, and some guy she had on, shared Rules for Cleaning Your Closet. 

1. Don't keep it just because it was expensive.  Clearly this doesn't apply to me....most of my money is spent on $19.90 dresses at forever 21.

2. Keep only what you can fit into right now.  By the time you fit back into it, it will probably be out of style. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a few pairs of jeans from two sizes ago.  Hey, dreams can happen. 

3. Everything in your closet should promote joy, make you feel pretty, and you should be comfortable in it.  And be practical.  Eh, I do have some buyers remorse items in there.  I could probably pull out twenty "what the hell was I thinking?" inspired pieces.

4. If it stirs up a bad memory, let it go.  Well that's not my problem, the exact opposite is!  (i.e. my bridesmaid dress collection).  I know I'll never wear them again.  I know I don't need them.  I know they take up space.  But those dresses all have such good memories attatched to them!  I adore being a bridesmaid and doing anything to help someone have a perfect wedding. 

5. Get rid of duplicates.  The only duplicates I have are part of my work wardrobe.  You can never have too many white blouses or black pencil skirts.  They will be worn.  So I'm going to ignore this one.

6. If you haven't worn it in two years, eliminate it.  Definitely guilty of this one.  I figure for the money I spend on clothes, I'd better hang on to it because you never know when I might want to bust it out. 

 

Apparently Oprah is putting 150 clothing items on ebay to raise money for her school.  I wish people would spend a bunch of money on my clothes just because they touched my body.

Babies!

Today is my friend Angela's due date.  She is the first of my friends to have a baby!  While I'm so thrilled for her & really can't wait to meet Avyah, I still have trouble wrapping my head around it.  A year ago we were working together, & going out for drinks.  I can't believe she's having a kid!  In a few days she will be a Mom.  Holy cow.  I truly am thrilled for her, but I'm SO not ready for kids.  In college I was so excited to marry Fred (even though we weren't engaged) and have lots of kids.  Fast forward a few  years, and I'm telling my mom she can expect grandkids when I turn 35.  Will I probably cave & start thinking about it around 31?  32?  More than likely. 

However, for the time being, I'll gladly babysitt, & hand your kid back over to you.  And then go to the  mall & buy clothes :)

$1 book bargain

Last night was book club night.  Our selection is "the girl who stopped swimming" by joshilyn jackson.  I bought this book at half price books on their bargain shelf---for one dollar.  I read the title, and thought it was worth a buck.  Here's hoping I'm right! 

To me this is further proof that "you can't always judge a book by its cover" is not always accurate.  I have found some of my very favorite books simply because their cover sucked me in.  God-Shaped Hole, for example.  I'd have never picked it up solely based on the name.  But the cover sucked me in!

Cross your fingers, hope it's a good read!

Corridor of Memories

Today I took my Grandma to see my PapPap at the mausoleum for the first time.  With her being in the hospital twice-both for a week long stay-since PapPap passed, we hadn't had a chance to get there yet.  That probably sounds awful to say, but I've been visiting the garden as my way to see him.  Truthfully I'd been putting off going to the mausoleum.  I've never really known anyone who's been laid to rest there, and honestly it makes me a bit uncomfortable.  I've visited people at a cemetery before-I used to help my Mom plant at the graves of our relatives.  And I feel comfortable there, but something about visiting him in that cold building, with so many hundreds of names of others there made it difficult.  It took us a while to find him, since Grandma hadn't seen the spot since they chose it in the late 80's.  The place is huge, with so many hallways and different parts of the buildings, it took us an hour to find him.  When we finally did, we left the vase of roses on the table in front of where he was, and talked to him a bit.  PapPap is in the Garden of Love, in the Corridor of Memories.  I actually was comforted by the names, because they both fit him well.  Garden of Love- PapPap loved his garden, and Corridor of Memories- makes me think he will know we're always remembering our special times and thinking of him. 

Afterwards, I drove Grandma down to the pond there, and we sat and talked for a bit.  It was a beautiful day that should have been uplifting, but for me, those nice spring days are the worst.  Mostly she told me stories of her friends who had passed.  I know I'm lucky to still have her around.  Many of her friends have either lost their spouses, or are in homes and ill.  It's hard for me to imagine how she stays positive with so much sadness surrounding her.

After I drove Grandma home, I went out to the garden to see PapPap.  I talked to him for a while, and let him know my thoughts on the mausoleum.  I've seen people talk to graves before, in movies and on TV, and I could never really connect with it.  Until now I wasn't able to see how comforting it can be; therapeutic and relaxing.  Even though I don't like him being in the mausoleum, I know I'll have my own spot in his garden.  And I guess that's good enough for me.

Happy Birthday Max

Today my PapPap would have been 85 years old. 

If things were different:

I would have woken up, called PapPap to wish him a Happy Birthday.  We'd have gone out for a family dinner, and I'd have baked him a cake, and brought him a present.  We'd have sang him Happy Birthday, and taken some pictures together.  We'd have had a really fun night.

Instead:

Today I flew to Boston to see Jamie.  I got upset on the plane thinking of him.  I wasn't worried to fly- I usually get about 30% worried when taking off.  Today however, I thought of him, and I for some reason wasn't upset.  Maybe it's because somehow (I realize how cheesy this must sound, even as I type it) I felt closer to him, being high above earth.

Happy Birthday Max.  You are so greatly missed.

trying to heal

Today was another warm spring day.  Just like before, I felt worse. 

The only positive thing about today was that I realized something that may keep me connected to PapPap.  While he may be in a mausoleum, it occurred to me that I could to go his garden to visit him there.  I feel better knowing that instead of going to that cold, unfamiliar building, I can go to his garden- a place that was special to us, and heal there.

Speaking of healing, I have to admit I'm struggling with it.  I am trying to accept this, and heal, but I can't help how I feel.  Even though my mind says I should be feeling better, coping, and trying to move on, my heart still hurts.  I realize that I have to face his death head-on, but at the same time I understand I can't help but allow the sadness to overtake me for awhile. 

There's so much more I could say if you were here with me today

Today was 68 degrees outside.  The first beautiful, warm, truly spring day.  I have to admit that part of me has been dreading this.  Everyone seems to think that with warm weather, I will heal.  I can understand where they're coming from.  New growth, moving on, seasons changing.  But I don't believe it.  Today my heart hurt.  I looked around at the grass growing, and the warm breeze, and thought of how much PapPap would have loved today.  He would have been so excited to go out to his garden and start planting, or tune up his mower to start manicuring his perfect lawn.  I thought of how if things had been different I'd have gone to Park Drive, and seen him there in the backyard. 

I don't feel better on a beautiful day like this.  I feel empty.

This is all a nightmare and I want to wake up

Today was awful.  Worse in fact than I even expected.  I have
never felt so alone in my whole life.  PapPap wanted a small, 
private funeral, which my mom and I were against cause then it 
didn't allow for people who would have consoled us to come.
(You read private funeral in the paper and you don't just show
up you know).  So I knew there was going to be very few people 
there, but that I would deal with it.  Because there was only 
one viewing, during the day I didn't ask any friends to come. 
I figured who can take time off for a friend at a time like 
this--the economy/job market--it's not a time to request time 
for a friend. Adam's flight ended up being delayed so he didn't 
make it in for the funeral.  My Dad missed half the funeral,
and we spent the first hour or so of the funeral trying to get 
in contact with Adam and figure out when he would arrive.

I stood in the viewing room surrounded by distant relatives I 
barely know, wishing things had ended differently.  Fred had to 
fly out right after the funeral for a work clinic that was 
already paid for.  His parents came, but they don't get along
(divorced), and Fred stayed to talk to them because they didn't 
know anyone else.  I stood there all alone, feeling like I had 
lost a best friend.  Because I did.

I'm not a religious person.  My PapPap really wasn't either.  
But my Grandma wanted the priest to say something specific, maybe 
mention some of PapPap's hobbies and things--things he enjoyed 
doing.  However, he just said all these generic prayers, but 
didn't talk specifically about PapPap at all--despite the fact 
that my Grandma and I took him aside and explained to him our 
wishes so he could incorporate this.  My cousin/godmother who 
I don't speak to came.  (I stopped speaking to her last summer 
when she took all my stuff out of my parents house-a few 
tupperware bins, photos and high school stuff-and put it in my 
parents driveway while they were both at work and barged into my 
apt and blamed my Mom's depression on me). So she came today too
and tried to corner me and Fred each. 

Saying goodbye to pappap was awful. It was the hardest thing I've 
ever had to do.  So Adam finally got here, but I just don't 
really feel like talking or see anyone cause I'm just like...
in a different place. I don't seem to be on the same page.  
I encouraged Adam to call my PapPap while he was in the hospital.  
I understand people handle things differently.  But right now I 
need someone who is on my level.

I arranged the picture boards for the viewing and the majority 
of the photos were of me and PapPap because really I'm the only 
one that took pictures with him. And that's fine because I take 
basically all the family photos.  Andrew is sad and all, but 
like, I lost a best friend today. He was so important to me. 
I guess I can't really picture my Dad and I dancing together at 
my wedding.  We don't seem to be close like that.  But my 
PapPap...I wanted to dance so badly with him.  Or just to have 
him there and see me in my dress.  And just have him there.  Or 
to go visit on Tuesdays. I guess it's the first really close 
person I've lost.  And I'd might as well be a kid because I don't 
get this death thing.  I don't understand how I'll never see him 
again. Ever.  I don't get that he'll never meet my kid(s), if and 
when I ever have any.  I don't understand how today is the last 
day I'll ever hold his hand. And I guess technically Sunday was.  
Because that was the last time he was there.  But saying goodbye 
to him today, when I was the last person left in that room...it 
was like a piece of my heart was left there with him.  Because I 
don't know how I'll get over this...or accept it, not "get over 
it."  

My Mom thinks I'm depressed.  Because I keep snapping at my 
family.  But it's really only my frustration in feeling so 
completely alone with this.

I lost a best friend today.  I'll never have him back.  It was an 
awful day.  And one that didn't make sense.  Because how do you 
ever really say goodbye?

Since the day I heard the news, my soul is melting cause my heart is burning

Obituaries

Reno J. Caviggia

Delmont

Reno J. "Max" Caviggia, 84, of Delmont, passed away Monday, Feb. 9, 2009, in Select Specialty Care at Excela Health Latrobe Hospital. He was born March 12, 1924, in Darragh, a son of the late Frank and Mary (Detrina) Caviggia. At the time of his retirement, Max was employed by Nationwide Insurance Co. as an insurance broker. Previously, he was employed by Colonial Life Insurance Co. and Prudential Insurance Co. as an insurance agent. He was a veteran of the Navy, having served during World War II. He was a member of St. John Baptist de la Salle Catholic Church, Delmont, and White Valley Athletic Club.

In his earlier years, Max enjoyed bowling and golfing. After retiring, he took pleasure in spending time at home and with family, tending his garden, and keeping his yard well-manicured. He stayed active and was a proud "Silver Sneakers" member at Center Ice Fitness, Delmont, where he exercised daily. He never missed a Steelers game, or an opportunity to enjoy special moments with his granddaughter, Katie.

In addition to his parents, he was preceded in death by his brother, Walter Caviggia; and sister, Della Kolbosky. Max will be greatly missed and is survived by his loving family; his devoted wife of 60 years, Margaret J. (Santel) Caviggia; and their daughter, Lynne Ferri and her husband, Daniel, of Boquet. He was the proud grandfather of two grandsons, Andrew and Adam; and a very special granddaughter, Katie, and her fiance, Fred. Also survived by a sister, Emily Gavatorta, of Jeannette; sisters-in-law, Victoria Caviggia, of Jeannette, and Audrey Santel, of Delmont; brother-in-law, Joseph Santel and his wife, Honora, of Camp Hill; and a number of nieces and nephews.

Respecting Max's wishes, visitation and services will be private. Entombment will be in Twin Valley Memorial Park, Delmont. VAIA FUNERAL HOME INC., 463 Athena Drive, Delmont, 724-468-1177, has been entrusted with the arrangements. In lieu of flowers, contributions in Max's memory may be made to: Thomas E. Starzl Transplantation Institute, 3708 Fifth Ave., Suite 400, Pittsburgh, PA 15213. To send online expressions of sympathy, or for grief support information or directions, please visit www.VaiaFuneralHome.com.